This Is Exciting!

Wait a minute …

Va-Va-Va VP!

Hail to the vice-chief, if you know what I mean and I think you do

I tell you what — John McCain’s running mate, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, is an outstanding addition to the ticket! She is a very attractive, nice-looking, pretty, beautiful representative for our ideals of low taxes for the rich and more war. Even though she has only been governor for about two years, she will effectively tell America that Baruch Obama just doesn’t have enough experience to be President!

Happy Anniversary, Honey!

My wife Sally

Every four years, when the Republican National Convention kicks off, my wife Sally and I celebrate a little anniversary. We met as college students for Reagan at the 1984 Republican National Convention. I’ll never forget it — I saw her for the first time as she was standing right between the “Sex Education Causes Cancer” and the “Aborted Babies Look Like THIS” displays.

Sally and I will be heading to the Republican Convention in Minneapolis next week to mark our meeting and to help John McCain reach his goal of becoming our bold new leader in the tradition of George W. Bush.

Happy anniversary, babe!

You all have a great day!

Attention All Troublemakers!

Don't be a big-mouthed Communist

I have figured out what is causing all the negative talk around here — someone found out that executive compensation rose by 89% last year.

Some people may look at that figure and see executives of BloHoleCo making a lot of money at the expense of our regular employees. But I have the vision to see something more — a thriving company taking full advantage of the capitalist system, which is opposed only by Communists, to make money for its hard working executives.

I don’t want to insult anyone’s intelligence, but the more business a company does, the more money it makes. As my wife always says to me, “Duh!” And pretty soon these earnings are going to be trickling down to our employees, so you better buy a bigger pocketbook if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

Sometimes I think that our workers don’t understand what we executives have to deal with on our executive level of authority. When we were moving our manufacturing operations to Mexico a few years ago, the people who worked on that project told me they experienced many sleepless nights while loading the moving trucks and closing our factories. I believe them!

Someone once said “A little information can be a dangerous thing.” I think it was Dick Cheney. Anyway, a word to the wise — excessive complaining about our executive compensation structure can lead to a person being branded as a troublemaker, and a large part of our success as a company has been our freedom from troublemakers, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

You all have a great day!

Truth Straight From the BloHole

Fighting rumors and in-you-endo with the bullets of truth!

I tell you what — some half-truths about BloHoleCo management are floating around out there. So I need to counter with a dose of good, hard factualityness. Before I do, let me just add one more time that employees who keep circulating information about BloHoleCo and its management might just be following in the footsteps of former employees who don’t work here anymore, or in some cases don’t even live here anymore, or in some cases don’t even live.

Like all companies, we reward leadership. Leadership is important. There’s a poster in my office with some penguins or ducks or something on it, and it says, “The leader always sets the trail for others to follow.” A company needs leadership, and leadership needs to be rewarded. There’s a poster in my office … well, I see I’ve said that already, so let me get down to refuting these outrageous lies.

Falsie #1: Executive committee authorized $3 million for lap dancers at company function.

This is a lie. Only $1.8 million was authorized.

Falsie #2: Treasury was looted to pay for CEO’s “wasteful” antique car collection, private plane and wife’s extensive plastic surgery.

Again, an untruth. The plastic surgery was not extensive.

Falsie #3: Books were “cooked” by accountants to increase company stock price at initial public offering.

That’s outrageous! I can honestly tell you that our books were never reviewed by accountants.

Let me just close with a final statement. I don’t use the term “traitor” lightly, but anyone who questions the leadership decisions we have made here at BloHoleCo does not understand the greatness of America, a land of opportunity where a man can live without fear of feeling the tyrant’s boot heel grinding into the back of his neck, which we as a free peoples under the rule of law created by our forefathers respect as well as the law of Jesus which everybody knows is created

How Would Jesus Sell?

He's a great closer!

My minister, the Rev. Sonny Hargis at my church, The Christian Mega Redemption Church of Jesus Christ Our Blessed Savior, Inc., likes to ask in his sermons, “Does Jesus work in your office?” I always answer seriously, “Yes, he does,” and then I add jokingly, “And he’s an outstanding member of the company swimming team!” (Because Jesus walked on water. We really don’t have a swimming team.)

Seriously, I believe that every businessman can benefit from following the Ten Commandments, such as “Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child” and “Don’t Do Drugs.” If more businessmen conducted business on a high moral plane, this would be a better world.

My faith is a very outstanding part of my life. Very often before I make a decision relating to my business I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?” How severely would he punish this gay supervisor for his lifestyle choice? At what point would he fire the theiving employee who is thoughtlessly trading company inventory for medicine?

Tolerants is also a big part of my religious thought. I welcome all unbelievers, whether they be atheists, witches, Muslins, Jews or bootists.

You all have a great day!

Why Republicans Are Great

Shhh! I'm thinking!

I don’t want to get all political here, but I wanted to share an e-mail one of my golfing buddies just sent me about why Republicans are so great:

Lessons Taught at College and Beyond

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and was for distribution of all wealth. She felt deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican which she expressed openly.

One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and more welfare programs. In the middle of her heart-felt diatribe based upon the lectures she had from the far left professors at her school, he stopped her and asked her point blank how she was doing in school. She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain. That she had to study all the time, never had time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn’t even have time for a boyfriend and didn’t really have many college friends because of spending all her time studying. That she was taking a more difficult curriculum.

Her father listened and then asked, “How is your friend Mary.” She replied, “Mary is barely getting by”, she continued, “all she has is barely a 2.0 GPA,” adding, “and all she takes are easy classes and she never studies.” But to explain further she continued emotionally, “But Mary is so very popular on campus. College for her is a blast, and she goes to all the parties all the time and very often doesn’t even show up for classes because she is too hung over.”

Her father then asked his daughter, “Why don’t you go to the Dean’s office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to your friend who only has 2.0.” He continued, “That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.”

The daughter, visibly shocked by the father’s suggestion, angrily fired back, “That wouldn’t be fair! I worked really hard for mine, I did without, and Mary has done little or nothing, she played while I worked real hard!”

The father slowly smiled and said, “Welcome to the Republican Party.”

I think this says everything about why I am a Republican. I am a lot like that daughter, except that I didn’t do well in school, inherited my family fortune, don’t really work and was accepted into college because my family gave them a lot of money.

You all have a great day!

Everything’s Just Fine

Hakuna Matata

Like I told you yesterday, this is a time to be positive, like our president George W. Bush Jr., and face adversity right on the head.

Some of you have seen investigators from the SEC in our office, and their nitpicking has uncovered some minor felonies.

I want to emphasize that the only people affected by these issues, which involve the trading of BloHoleCo company stock, are short-term investors, such as the elderly. But in the spirit of our country’s leader, we are looking ahead not back. When people look forward to something, they don’t say “I’m looking backward to it,” do they? So we look forward, our attorneys are negotiating with the SEC, and I am just as confident this can be worked out as I am of our troops’ great success in Iraq, if everybody just lets the president do what he wants and all the military experts and four-star generals get out of the way.

You all have a great day!

Wage Raise = Communism?!?!

The Fentress residence

I am distressd that the Demoncrats are talking about raising the minimum wage again! I think for the government to tell an independent business how much money it can pay its desperate employees seems like Communism. I have to be honest with you and tell you that if this increase becomes law, it will have an impact on our bottom line and lead to some layoffs. I think I speak for all BloHoleCo employees when I say that they’re making a very fair wage right now.

And speaking of our employees, the Morale Committee asked me to tell you that they’re collecting money for the family of Berle Fentress, who works here. The Fentresses are looking for a nicer place to park their car, which they also live in. Contribution boxes are in the break room.

Employee Comments and Suggestions

Watch your back

An employee writes:

You suk

I don’t think this kind of unconstructive criticism gets us anywhere.

And I might add that next week we will be putting security cameras next to the suggestion box.

You all have a great day!